Search This Blog

Follow by Email


Wednesday, 27 November 2013

Giving up isn't an option

Today I find myself weak and frustrated. I find myself holding back the tears and pressing on through the day. I haven't given up, because that's not an option. Giving up says that you don't care, that you choose to walk away, that you honestly believe that leaving is going to make it better or that there isn't any other way.

We are 6 weeks into having a family of 5, and our gorgeous little boy is suffering. We have had the diagnosis of Reflux, and he is struggling to feed, keep his milk down, cries in pain often and is at times completely inconsolable. As a mother it is heartbreaking. To see your child in a situation and not be able to do a thing about it, to be the only one fighting for them at times when you are disregarded that there is nothing else that can be done.

We are currently waiting for a referral to a paediatrician, as the GP told us there wasn't anything else she could give him or suggest. I have not settled for just waiting, and I have requested different things to try and help Caleb in the interim. But when he is suffering the majority of the time, when he's so tired and can't get himself off to sleep because lying flat is impossible, or when he is hungry but if he feeds until he is satisfied it comes back up, it's soul destroying.

When you pray that there will be an improvement, but are waiting on that prayer to be answered. When you pray and believe in healing, but see no breakthrough. It's tough.

When as a mother, your job is 24/7, you don't get the daily commute to zone out, you don't get a lunch break to have some peace, you don't get a chance to drink a hot or even luke warm cup of tea... because your children are your priority, and you wouldn't have it any other way. But sometimes, it's like climbing a mountain in flip flops!

It's not the tasks that are difficult, or your children themselves (although they can be monkeys at times!), but that it is CONSTANT. No sooner have you sat down having completed one task, than another presents itself, none that can be left. For example, I found myself the other day settling Caleb who was going mental because he had hiccups (as only babies can do!), Erin had climbed onto the window sill, and Lara had got herself wedged under the stair gate!! Really!?... Really.

But each day I drag myself out of bed, having ignored the now two alarms I have to cause me to stir, to the point that "Snooze" isn't an option. I have a quick shower, pull my hair back into a pony tail, ready for the battle to commence, and pull on some unattractive but practical clothes. I have no time for make up, I don't always remember to put my wedding ring on (I hate not wearing it!), I would love to wear my nicer clothes but I'm thwarted by the post pregnancy body I have at the minute! Glorious! But even if I could breathe in my nicer clothes... (!!!)... I would only get them covered in snot, sick or dribble.

I love my children. I love my husband. I love my family. But sometimes I wish I could just walk out of the house without worrying if I have snacks / dummies / travel potty / Lara's favourite toy mouse / "insert similar item here". I have the luxury of going Christmas and clothes shopping this weekend... ON MY OWN! I might faint from the excitement before I leave the house... and if Mr Strong even remotely suggests that it might be nice for us all to go... well it wouldn't be appropriate to write here what my honest response in my mind would be!

Life is real. Life is hard. Life doesn't give lucky breaks or "Move straight to GO" cards. It is in the struggles that we find hope, and in the hope that we find, we find God is and has been with us all the way. 

No comments:

Post a Comment

I'd love to hear your thoughts, please feel free to leave a comment: